Why isn’t thank you ever enough? A few weeks ago a co-worker complimented me on my outfit. She liked my head to toe look and said I like what you are giving instead of saying thank you I said I am trying she said you are doing it so own. Can you take a compliment? Or do you overanalyze it like I do and minimize its accuracy and weight? Why can’t we say thank you and move on? It is like we do not feel we ourselves are worthy of a small form of admiration.
Someone says hey your dress is beautiful we counter that with this old thing. Why do we do deflect the positive and embrace the negative? People are so afraid of not being humble and are looking weak and insecure. Own that compliment and smile. Know that thank you is enough, always. I think I am struggling to write this because I don’t want to be complimented. I want to be criticized, ridiculed, and made to feel ugly because that is what I am used too. I say I am comfortable in my own skin but is that statement really true? Last night was an open mic night and I went out of my way to look “pretty” while performing this “ugly” piece. I was dressed so sexy yet when I got up there I felt so ugly. I did not want to share my truth. I wanted compliments and no sharing for me. I said the poem but I was too emotionally overwhelmed to perform it with conviction. I barely looked into the audience I did not care about their response I wanted to flee the venue. I was so “hot” that I emotionally psyched myself out much often like I do when someone gives me a compliment.
I am still stuck in that ugly abyss that I refuse to completely escape. It is time to go. Yes that ugly stage you went through was horrible and now it is like look at me now. But now on the outside you appear beautiful but you are truly an “ugly” mess. You cannot fake it, until you make it. You aren’t deceiving anyone and you are only hurting yourself. We accept the self-depreciating talk so much we refuse to believe we should love ourselves. See the reason I struggle with writing this piece is not because receiving a compliment should not be hard it is just words. Words are something that has been thrust in my face for years yet when they are positive I reject them completely. I slap positivity in the face. The same way I can joke about not being pretty in front of a group of people like it’s nothing yet on the outside I am saying look at me, ain’t I so pretty. I want you to like me and think I am pretty. The truth is self-loathing leaves an undeniable stench. A fashionable outfit means nothing, if confidence is not an accessory doesn’t go along with it. I could not perform passionately because I was paralyzed with fear of the prospect somebody might actually think I was pretty. Somebody may have sympathized with me and could not fathom anyone torturing me like that verbally. I don’t want their understanding and support I just want them to see how “hot” I am now. Look at me now. Oh my goodness I am one of those people. One of those vain souls, we want attention so badly. It is because they were invisible for some time in their life. I might as well take my tormentors on Maury and hope they think I am pretty now. Why do I care so much what they think? I need their approval. Please say I am pretty. Please look at me. It is so disgusting. I need to purge myself of the ugliness that envelopes me now. I would post the poem but it would be a farce since I still feel “ugly” as ever.
It is time I am true to myself and say girl you have deep seeded issues with beauty. You have issues with people complimenting you because you don’t think you desrve to be admired aesthetically. You would lose your soul just for some of that dismissive mindset of you being just another pretty face. You don’t care about flexing your intellect you’d rather flash a winning smile. You have so much going on that makes you beautiful but all you see is an “ugly” woman. Why do you care so much?
I care because it matters to me so what I am intelligent, passionate, ambitious, caring, loving, and supportive but I am none of these things to myself. Do you love yourself, honestly? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below.