So my best friend put up a picture last week that evoked overwhelming emotion for me. I was inundated with feelings of resentment and hate. I loved where I was in my twenties. I loved both my body and myself to a certain extent. Yet I allowed others to push their insecurities off on me. I allowed them to make me feel less than and not beautiful. I was unaware that I too was beautiful. For years since then I have battled with not feeling good enough. Years of feeling insecure about who I am and what I want. I ballooned up to a size 16 and am afraid to look back and see the beauty that was me. I am not saying that I am not beautiful today. I am merely saying I loathe what I have become.
I love myself in the sense I embrace my natural beauty but I dislike how I let myself go physically pertaining to weight. Though some may dare to call me a curvaceous cutie, I know that my weight gain has earned me a spot next to being pre-diabetic. I do not like the thought of that at all. It is preventive yet I have done nothing to stop myself from becoming diabetic. It is as if I just stop caring for me a long time ago. When friends would say I could never be as skinny as you I should have said don’t knock me I am beautiful just like you are. When men would say you are cute but you would be sexy if you gained some more weight I should have said I am sexy now because I am comfortable in my own skin. But I was not strong mentally so I allowed negativity to overtake my own perspective of myself.
The story of my life I have always allowed validation from others to be my downfall. What you think of me matters more than how I view myself. It is a hard fact to admit but it is painfully true. I cannot accept who I am in this former state now that I have discovered love of self. It is nice to be curvy but it is important for me to be healthy. I need to feel about myself the way I feel about my hair…proud. Just as I embraced my natural hair no matter how curly and kinky I need to embrace Neisha flaws and all. I am beautiful. When I look in the mirror it is often to check if my lipgloss is on right or a hair is not out of place. But I have yet to look in the mirror and truly introspect. My goals are to one day look in the mirror and repeat an affirmation to myself and say I love you without looking away.
Are you or someone you know unaware of how beautiful you are? Have you allowed others to define how you feel about you? Share your thoughts below.