I let a good man get away. There was this guy that had been after me for a while and I successfully pushed him away. He encompassed so much he is intelligent, ambitious, driven, passionate, attractive, confident, and sincere. All the things you want in a man yet I felt unworthy in my eyes. I figured it was purely an erogenous attraction on his end. He assured me that he was not interested in me for solely that purpose. I never trusted him or gave him the benefit of the doubt. I immediately pushed him away and put him in the he just wants a potential partner zone. He made every effort to show he wanted more than that but I was adamant in my position. I always do this when there is a mutual attraction between us.
I guess I could say it stems from being deemed unattractive in my past. I dated guys that would unapologetically let me know that I was not pretty enough and should feel honored to be dating them. My self-esteem has always been in a low place. I always knew I was intelligent but beauty was not synonymous with me. Now after saying all that I want to repair my self-esteem. It is ironic that when people see pictures of me they see a beauty but it is almost like we are looking at two different pictures. Now I am not saying I look at them and see a beast but I criticize myself harshly and tear down any hope of beauty.
I don’t love myself to the point where I feel comfortable dating someone that I share a mutual attraction with. I find it to be very intimidating. He’s attractive and he thinks I am attractive yet I feel so ugly inside. It shows with insecurity, distrust, and doubt. So I push him away until he doesn’t even want to hear my name and no when that happens I am not comfortable with an attractive man. There I said it. Attractive men make me uncomfortable I feel like I am out of my league with them. That is hard to admit. When I am in their presence I feel inadequate. The question is how do I combat feelings of inadequacy? I feel like a fraud faking it till I make it. But I am fooling no one, not even myself.
This is probably one of the hardest posts I have ever written. But I need to be honest with myself if I truly want to embark on a change. I have to do something I have never done to get what I truly want which is happiness. I know I deserve it but I still feel unworthy.
Do you feel unworthy of your true desire? How do you plan on combatting that feeling? Share your thoughts below.