So the other day my mother and I were discussing my needy past and how crazy I would get over being rejected by a guy. Then, last night I was watching Love & Hip-Hop New York and while watching the storyline between Rich Dollaz and Jhonni Blaze play out made my heart break for Jhonni. Her story definitely resonated with me. I knew what it meant to try and hurt a guy for hurting me. I knew what it was like to not love myself and try to make someone else do what I was not willing to do.
To some seeing this play out they may think of she is so desperate and psychotic when seeing a woman engage in this self-destructive behavior. But this is actually a cry for help and until the woman is receptive she will continue this pattern until she realizes it is truly self-acceptance that she is seeking. It broke her down when he told her she needed to work on herself. That is so hard to hear I felt like he was talking to the old me. I know the pain of rejection and how badly you want the other person to hurt. I know because one time I took it too far and tried to end my life to get back at someone. Thankfully, I did not and God heard my cry for help and I immediately sought counseling. It took years for me to get to this place where I love myself and refuse to be anyone’s doormat.
When I saw this episode I immediately though of Daddy issues and how the acting out is a form of rebelling. You want Daddy’s attention and when he does not give it to you; you act out in a way to get his attention. You will do whatever it takes not matter how audacious the stunt is. It is more than not being able to handle rejection it is so much deeper than that. Now I want to be careful not to play psychiatrist here but I am just trying to make you understand why we act this way.
To be honest we feel intense emotions that are overwhelming at take us down. We want so badly for him to feel as overwhelmed as we do. We cannot bear this emotion alone. It is in this state we are highly vulnerable and on the verge of a breakdown or a breakthrough. It took years of breaking down before I would see the light. It was not enough feeling rejected by a man I loved and trying to kill myself after he ignored me that was not enough for me to stop. I tried to sign myself into a hospital once when a guy I was dating totally ignored me I literally wanted to kill him. This need for attention and love spun into an addiction to sex. It was about any carnal desires I thrived off of attention and that was love in my eyes. It was the acceptance I had longed for. Or so I foolishly thought.
In my book “Trapped: Inside the Mind of an Addict” Volume 1, Insatiable, I discuss my battle with sex addiction and how it had everything to do with seeking validation and acceptance and how I used sex to get attention which I substituted for love. I would purposely date emotionally unavailable men and think I could change them. I would convince myself that they would love me. But no one was capable of loving a woman that did not love herself. This addiction spanned for over a decade.
Is your or someone you know suffering from needy behavior? How did you get past it? Or are you still trapped? Share your thoughts below.