My Birth Canal Is Off Limits

My birth canal is off limits. Pregnancy scared me straight. As if having a sixteen year old was not terrifying enough. Last March I found out I was with child. I was terrified beyond belief. Yet somewhat ecstatic at the prospect of finally having my baby boy.

I discussed my impending pregnancy with my boyfriend and his reaction was completely unexpected. He met my excitement with dismay. We went back and forth about what to do. Although acrimonious at times we finally came to a decision amicably. We decided that we would terminate the pregnancy.

We went to Planned Parenthood and we decided that due to the fact I was still in the early stages of my pregnancy that the abortion pill would be fitting. I did not want to endure the agony of a medical abortion again. I hated the feeling of sheep being led to a slaughter. You go in pregnant and terrified only to come out hollow and emotionally numb. You disassociate yourself with that baby you just expelled. You have to otherwise emotionally you will drive yourself insane. At least that was the experience I had.

So I figured at ten weeks the abortion pill would be an emotionally safe process. As we were sitting at Planned Parenthood I felt at ease with my decision. My boyfriend decided before I took the pills I should be informed how the process works. Against my better judgement I allowed him to play a YouTube video on the matter. The short video made me cringe a lot.  I took my first set of pills there at the clinic. I took a nap and initially I felt very little to no discomfort.

Soon it was time to take the next set of pills. I was never worried even after seeing the video. I was well informed or so I thought. The last set of pills enables you to expel the pregnancy. I was ill prepared at the journey that lay ahead. That pregnancy would cost way more than I ever could imagine.

The next day I was up and out business as usual. I ran all my errands because I was preparing for a week off from work. This was some much needed time off. Later that evening I went to dinner with my family to celebrate my sister’s birthday.

While at dinner I kept feeling chills and I thought nothing of it. I went home later that night. Now keep in mind my daughter was only made privy of the fact I was doing this because I thought about what if something happened. It was a fleeting thought. Later that night as expected I began to feel discomfort and was clotting heavily. Nothing I could not handle. Even when I passed a clot that looked like a fetus I still did not panic. Deep down apart of me felt that I should be punished for the murder I was committing. You always sow what you reap! Remember that!

After, passing that clot I felt a great pain/pressure in my chest. It stopped me in my tracks. I chide myself now but that not I prayed that it passed by me and that I would be safe through the night.

The next day I woke up and was still feeling that pressure. Again I ignored it and took my daughter to get her hair done. Something spoke to me and I now know it was God to tell someone about the chest pain/pressure. I told my stylist and a girlfriend of mine and they said take something for it.

Then, I called my sister to tell her what happened the night before. Her reply shocked me. She warned me that it could be my heart and I should get to the emergency room right away. After the hair appointment I dropped my daughter off and headed straight to the emergency room. Panic still was not setting in.

I sat there all alone in that emergency room. My Deacon came and prayed with me. After his family left I began to reflect. My family came and it hit me when it was just my daughter and I. She looked terrified. I had been numb this whole time but I will never forget the foreboding look on her face. This was serious.

After a battery of tests the doctor came back with a weird smirk on his face. The words he repeated sent shock waves through my body. Ms. Kelly you are being admitted. You have a pulmonary embolism on your left lung. Terrified does not even give justice to how I felt. I fell to my knees and began praying. Yes in my darkest hour I prayed. A pulmonary embolism that can take you out instantly.

This was now a matter of life or death. My ignorance nearly cost me my life. The pregnancy was the source of the clot(s). I had to be transferred to Cooper Medical Center in Camden, New Jersey. That ambulance ride was met with sheer pandemonium. I was afraid of hospitals. Even when I had my daughter I had a hard time with staying overnight.

I found my first night there to be very difficult and every night after. I tried to sleep but the constant poking and prodding made that seem impossible. My patience would be tested when the nurse came in to do the dilation and curettage (D&C). I was awake and there was no going to be any anesthesia used. That pain was unimaginable.

The next few days I was there I was reminded that one you have to be patient with the medical staff for they do not wake in the morning wanting to torture you. I was also reminded how I would only be there for a short duration of time.

I am currently on a blood thinner and this pulmonary embolism taught me to be proactive about my health. It is a sad state of affairs that being that close to death taught me to value life.


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