Self Improvement the Change I Don’t Want to Make

The time has come in my life that I need to do introspection and make necessary changes. Many times in my life when I feel overwhelmed I tend to choose the flight mode. And even adopt the philosophy of avoidance. When it comes to matters of the heart I live in a comfortable place if denial which in essence stagnates me.

I have always been ambitions, passionate, and driven. Yet lately I wonder when my drive is. I have allowed life and others take reign over the navigation of my life. For years I have been coasting mentally. I am doing just enough to seemingly look sane. Yet inside I am a mess and I fear one day I will be found not to be the pillar of mentally healthy. When I am going through internal warfare and I make my father aware of it he makes the inquiry about whether or not I have cleaned my room. Initially, when he would say this I would be enraged and feel that our relationship was in a recessive state. I would question what the correlation was between the current state of my room and my mental tribulations. I thought it was factious of him to ask such a question.

One day I called him up and was venting and again he posed the question of whether or not my room was clean. This day I challenged him and said what does my room have to with my personal issues? He said a cluttered room is a result of a cluttered mind. So when my room is in disarray so is my mind. That day I decided to both clean and organize my room. I turned on Pandora and got to work. I also was able to delve deep into some introspection. It sounds cliché but after my room was cleaned and organized my mind felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off of me.

Here I am again at an impasse. My room is in disarray and I have been avoiding introspection. S0ometimes in life you change because you want to. Yet in my case change is needed because I have to stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I make plans for myself to do certain tasks and then I never do them. Neither my word nor my actions can be trusted. I am failing at life in regard to relationships I have with loved ones.

I am self-absorbed and do not care to repair damaged relationships. My loved ones are beginning to count me out because I have not been reliable, consistent, supportive, nor have I been empathetic. If I am honest with myself I have not been any of these things to myself. I have grown complacent with having counting myself out.

I know what I need to do to change but I do not want to do it. I need to take out time and truly explore why I am so comfortable with my recent subpar efforts and actions. I have always been an overachiever and now I have made bedfellows with being an underachiever. My actions show that I do not want to succeed. They show that I am now impressed with how low I can sink versus how well I can swim in troubling waters.

Mentally it has always been troublesome for me to live up to my potential. I have become apprehensive and cautious about succeeding in my life. I am writing this not for sympathy but more so for the sake of accountability. Now that I am putting this insecurity out on display I can no longer hide and be in denial anymore.

I want to change and this is my outcry for help with that change. I want to be better mentally. Writing this is so much more than cathartic as it is necessary for my mental well-being.

 

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