How “Insecure” Made Me Go Back to Therapy….Again

Issa Rae’s “Insecure” in every season has resonated with me on so many levels. It wasn’t until I was introduced to Issa Rae by reading her book “The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl” that I realized that my awkwardness did not make me a social pariah. In fact, it made me come to terms with the fact that being weird was a phenomenal gift. That I should use as often as I needed to.

“Insecure” is currently in Season 4 now and every Sunday I am always left on the edge of my seat. And every time it is over, I am left hanging, impatiently to seeing it again the next Sunday. Now this season is tackling issues that I am currently facing. The breakdown of the friendship of the characters Molly and Issa is gut wrenching. Both need to be accountable for their role in the breakdown. This truly was a self-reflective moment for me. I recently had a friendship that was completely decimated by each of us. We both need to face some culpability in the demise of our friendship. Neither of us is in the position to be absolved of the guilt of the red flags that we both refused to recognize. We both need to have a candid conversation about our friendship to see whether it is worth salvaging. 

The particular episode I would like to address is “Lowkey Trippin. In this episode Molly casts all the toxic energy away and takes a getaway with her beau Andrew. It was during this episode after some introspection Molly realized that she harbored so many pent-up emotions that she does not always want to process. So, she advocated for herself by deciding that it was time to return to therapy. 

That moment struck a chord with me. It enabled me to delve deep into the fact that I harbor so much guilt surrounding the many toxic relationships in which I repress my true feelings in exchange to keep everyone else happy. Confrontation terrifies me so much so that I am afraid to call myself to the carpet. My therapy history is not good. I see her every couple of years. I go consistently and then I stop. I fool myself into believing that I do not need therapy. Yet, I am willing to unpack my trauma and burden my friends or family with it. Not realizing that they are not my therapist. And furthermore, it is disingenuous of me to force them to cure me. When I am putting them in harms way with my own toxicity. In fact, I am selfish and need to realize that they have grown cumbersome of my victim mentality. 

I wear my trauma like a badge of honor. It is no wonder that therapy has not been successful. It is not successful because I do not want the responsibility of dealing with my own shit in an assertive way. I either want to be passive and allow my emotions to fester or take an aggressive approach and blackout completely. Which might I add is not fair to my loved ones? It is not their fault that I refuse to hold myself to a higher standard. The slap in the face comes with the caveat that I know what I need to do but I refuse to do it. Many of my loved ones have seemingly given up on me. When the fact is, they are rooting for me on the sidelines because they cannot stomach the fact that I refuse to change. They have a hard time accepting that I gave up on me, so they had to cut ties with that part of me. 

There in lies the truth of why therapy has not worked for me. The therapist challenges me every session. But because I rebuff the assignment, she gives me I resolve myself into believing that she does not like me. She thinks I am weak. And worst of all she knows deep down I am an underachiever and she cannot be bothered by my counter-productive behavior. These are the things that I have conjured up in my paranoid mind. When the truth is if I am not willing to do the work then both of our time is being wasted.

I have decided to be just as proactive about my mental health as much as I am about my physical health. I am going back to therapy and I am ready to be both transparent and productive. I will accept the challenges put in front of me and push myself for a successful outcome. The insanity of it all is if I go to therapy and I am still using the same old methods and audaciously expecting different results. 

So I am stepping back in the ring to battle for myself not against myself. 

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