In developing a new me I have to come to terms with my past. I have to come to terms with being sexually abused. For most of my life I have played the victim role. I have forgotten how my pain and trauma impacted those around me. Granted it is my truth and my pain is valid but that should not invalidate the feelings of those closest to me. They felt the shame and hurt of learning that the man they knew was actually a predator, a monster. The man they knew isolated and abused someone they love dearly. When I was being abused I figured that I could take it on alone and protect others around me from enduring the same fate. When I finally came to grips with what happened to me and I was brave enough to speak it aloud a floodgate of emotions enveloped and enabled me to feel as thought now it was my time to be protected ad surrounded with love instead I felt dejected and abandoned. It felt like some were angry with me for revealing it at all. I was a wise child never documenting the abuse in my diary and never spoke it aloud until I was 21.
Yet when I finally revealed it I was seen as selfish and inconsiderate to those that I tried to so fiercely to protect. My abuser was now protected while I was being ostracized. Criticized and my name was defamed. I was now a liar and even worse the abuse I endured for years was trivialized since I had been through it before. How hurtful was that to hear. I am writing this not to hurt anyone but to help both you and I heal. When you are victimized you are never alone. It feels like you are but my love you are not. There are others who need to know that no matter the shame or hurt you feel. The sooner you tell the better you will be. Because everyone that has been impacted needs time to heal. Last night, I had a dream about my abuser impacted us all and how the one who felt it the most was not me someone close to me. She has lived in agony for quite some time trying to come to terms with our awful truth. All this time I have been selfish thinking of only how I felt and how badly this egregious event impacted my life. Never once did I stop and think about her. For that I am sorry and wish one day she can forgive me.
So today I ask you to heal and recognize that yes you were victimized but you are not destined to be a victim for life for you have free will. Willingness is not enough pray that God gives you the strength to salvage the remnants of your broken past. Pray that He can guide you on the path to healing. Victims are never alone and please know that you are a victim no more. Yes when I revealed my truth I was not embraced in the emotional sense but I felt liberated the secret was no longer weighing me down. And although even now I am still dealing with the backlash of my truth daily it is because I have yet to heal. Things I am telling you now I have never even revealed in therapy because it is so painful to relive. But I know I have the right to heal as well as those closest to me.
I know what I am revealing is a lot but someone needs to hear my truth. I pray my pain helps you heal. I pray you come to terms with your past demons. Stop allowing them to haunt you in your dreams at night. Learn to heal, it is ok to heal. Just be cause you overcome it does not in anyway mean it is not an indelibale mark in your memory bank. For you have to remember your past because if you forget you are destined to repeat it.