LifeClass In Session: Daddyless Daughters


Were you tuned in to Oprah’s Life Class on absentee fathers and the daughters they left behind? I was and the whole time I was tweeting and taking plenty notes. Many of us come from homes where our father presence was void in our lives. Many of us felt tremendous loss due to our father’s absence. Yet, the whole time I watched it, I watched it with my adult eyes and not from the eyes of that innocent little girl I was when he left when I was about four years old. The Daddy I remember was not good he was abusive to both us and my mother. I feel like we were liberated when he was finally put away.

In my heart I know he and I would not have the relationship we have today if he had stayed in my life as a child. So I say this I am glad my Daddy was gone. Abuse at my father’s hand would have crippled me more as an adult. I feel a sense of relief that he left and never came back until he had truly gotten himself together and be the man that I respect now. I understand now through my adult eyes he was sick and needed to get well. He was a monster and was broken in spirit and void of how to express his emotions. The only emotion I recall resonating with us was anger. He conveyed that very well with both his mouth and hands. I remember so vividly the night he scalded my then two year old brother for wetting himself. I remember hearing running water and horrible screams coming from the bathroom from my brother. I remember the scars my brother wore for years because of what Daddy did.

Yes growing up I wish I had my Daddy. In my innocence I needed him badly; I needed to be reassured that I mattered to him. I never thought about how it must have hurt him to be away from us. How everyday of his 12 year incarceration he must have replayed that awful night in his head and I pray he wished he could take it back. Honestly, I know that as a child abuse was in the cards for me I escaped the physical abuse of my father but could not escape the grasp of my sexually abusive step-father. I was damned from the start. If my Daddy would have never left I would have learned to take a hit like a champ. I am glad Daddy was gone.

I am glad my Daddy was gone yet as an adult I am glad he came back. I am glad I love my father and forgive him for his indiscretions abusing my Mom and us. Sad thing is someone close to me reading this now is angry that I wrote this and revealed my truth. To them I say get over it because it is my truth and if you love me you know why I had to let it go. I am glad Daddy was gone because I would have hated him more than I hate my step-daddy. Yet I don’t harbor any ill will that my Daddy wasn’t’ there to save me because the abuse was inevitable, and unfortunate event in my life. But I know I must heal for the Father-less daughter that I am raising. The woman I want her to be I have to be. So now as I write this I know I have to implement the three step plan, re-claim, re-define, and re-create. I have to reclaim my life, happiness and all. I have to re-define who I am and what I need in life now from my relationship with my father, lastly, and more importantly I have to re-create what it means to be a Father-less daughter. I have to sit down with my daughter and watch this again and see her perspective on it and see how she feels about being a Father-less daughter. I need to listen to her and give her everything she needs in the moment.

Were you raised as a father-less daughter? How did you feel when he left? Share your thoughts below.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. AG says:

    I too was a fatherless child to some degree growing up. My father was always a phone call away, but pretty much “absent” until I became a basketball star in HS. I cannot say that I missed him nor could I say I felt directly affected by his absence as a youth. My mother is “THE BUSINESS” so she handled all of our needs and I did not realize how much we did not have due to his absence. I was so aloof and content with living life that I did not notice the importance of his required presence. As a 30 something “single” adult woman, I see now that my father’s absence has a lot to do with my “singleness”. Subconsciously I have abandonment issues; and these issues cause me to hold on to men who should be let go immediately. When they do step off immediately, I question myself and what I have to offer as if there is something wrong with me. I’m certain if my father had been more “present and active” in my adolescent and young adult life, I would have a better understanding of the opposite sex. I would also have at least one healthy example of a female-male relationship to reference and find comfort in while navigating these “single waters”. Peace!


  2. coymag13 says:

    Thank you for your heartfelt response and I know your pain all too well. But I am proud I can use my blog’s platform to pay it forward. When I was in college one day we were sitting around getting facials talking about different things we endured. That was the first time I said aloud I had been abused. I said it and ended it there. It wasn’t till I was 21 and pregnant I realized I had to stop living with that awful secret. It is a shame how predators shame you into thinking it was your fault. Sometimes I wonder how effective my no would have been. Growing up living a lie trying to protect my family from him but who was protecting me? Many say well he was the father when you Dad went away but fathers don’t do that to their little girls. Again, I feel how your heart cries and trust is hard to come by but as I learn to connect with me and I become more in touch with my feelings of distrust and abandonment. When someone gets too close I get afraid and shut them out I don’t want to trust anyone with my heart let alone around my child. But I know now that I cannot assume that since I  have been victimized I cannot surmise that every man is a predator.



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