The Weight of Insecurity

 Growing up many of us were teased and ridiculed whether it is about weight, physical appearance, athletic ability, so on and so forth. We often take it on the chin when the sting of the viciousness of the teasing permeates in our hearts and minds. Skinny women are evil. Are they really? Or are they being teased to cover up someone else insecurity? I read Monique’s book Skinny Women are Evil and loved her movie Phat Girlz. In fact, both are one of my favorite books and movie of all time. I know what you are thinking how does someone who spent most of her life as a size 9 relate to Monique?

 

First, let me start off by saying contrary to popular belief I was a cool thin one.  I have always had love for my sisters no matter what size she came in. I always cared about the inner beauty she exuded that is what drew me to form friendships with women. Yet, I did not always receive that love and admiration back. In fact, I was often berated for being skinny as if being tormented about being ugly from the neighborhood ensemble was not enough. These venomous words did not come from strangers they came from people I erroneously deemed as friends. It would start off subtly I would never want to be as skinny as you they would say. I couldn’t have a flat butt. I just tucked it away for a long time. Never giving it much thought until it became a regular verbal attack on both my weight and I. I wish I had the courage I have now. When I read skinny women are evil I cried because I too struggled with weight the weight of other people insecurity of themselves and how they used trajectory to catapult  their self-loathing ways outward onto an unsuspecting me. I always had to hear about how skinny I was and how it was not attractive. I always had to hear from both men and women how if I gained more weight and became thicker I would be more pleasing aesthetically. Friends I would hang with would not see me as an equal somehow they felt inferior to me. They were so beautiful and desired and homely me was just sitting in the corner waiting to be bestowed the right to be looked at in their presence. When guys would approach us it was assumed that they weren’t interested in me. I felt so ugly and awkward. I heard it when I walked down my block and felt every bit of it when I hung with my friends. It hurt to the core to know they thought I was ugly. I always felt pretty were my sisters, my friends, never me. I was never any competition in anyone’s eyes I was too ugly for that.

 

I hated being skinny and ugly. Why couldn’t I be thick and sexy like my friends? As I watched Phat Girlz I felt every beat of Jasmine’s pain. The skinny nemesis for her was the thick nemesis for me. In hindsight, I know my friends that had this issue with my weight struggled with theirs. I knew how much they struggle with weight and never once judged them or even thought silently to criticize their weight. Yet, everyone was pissed that I was skinny, pissed that I was ugly way more than me. They let me know it every chance they got. I could never want to be as skinny as you. I will admit I was a size 9 at a time when thick was only accepted in the African American community. The Coca Cola shape was put on a pedestal in my neck of the woods. I could not help that I was skinny nor could I help the way I looked physically. My friends were adamant about letting me know I was not attractive in their eyes. I let insecurity envelope me and I ballooned to a whopping size 16, weighing in at a hefty 210 on my 5’3 frame. Now you see I am accepted for being “thick”, is being pre-diabetic sexy. It sure doesn’t feel that way.

 

I related to Jasmine’s (Monique) character so much. I felt her pain every morsel of it. That poignant moment with the mannequin in her room was the voice I heard for years you are so skinny and I hate you. I learned to hate me too. I learned that men only wanted to explore my physical prowess and when a man did not want to I emasculated him. I never felt worthy of love. I received so many mixed messages; you are ugly, too skinny, and just not good enough. I was so confused about who I was and more importantly what I deserved.

 

I am writing this because I hear how people discuss my daughter’s weight how she needs to eat more. How she is too skinny! I am stepping in and stopping it now. Knock it off she is fabulous just the way she is now get over yourself and your insecurities. Learn to accept the beauty that is you and stop torturing yourself and others with your self-deprecating statements and actions. My daughter is just fine in her skin. It is my job to make sure she is comfortable in her own skin. Too many times we allow other people’s trash to become our unwanted treasure. You do know misery loves company.

 

We need to learn to look in the mirror and say I love you to our reflection. We need to learn to love our imperfections as if they are marks of beauty. It starts with me I have to say so what I was picked on for being too skinny. It made me stronger stop looking at the negative all the time. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Stop being a punk and face life on your terms. I love me. I want you to love you too. We have stifle insecurity by karate chopping it in the throat and move on. No one is perfect but we are all worth it. We are all worth loving, especially worthy of love from within. If you don’t like something about yourself there is always room for improvement.

 

Is insecurity weighing you down? How will you shed those pounds? Share your thoughts below.

 

 

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